I grew up in a society where sex was a taboo topic for a long time. There was no sex! When I was in my teens the situation had changed but the old conservative views remained – sex was a sin. I could also never understand why when men had a lot of lovers it was seen as something normal, but if a woman had some, she was called a prostitute.
You can imagine, these views created a lot of problems and false beliefs in my life. As any young woman I was interested in men, sex and relationships, but every time I’d have sex, I’d feel really guilty afterwards. I had a few lovers in my life and the guilt was growing bigger and bigger as well as the belief that I was ‘bad’ and ‘dirty’. That sex was bad.
Why do we think that sex is ‘bad’? Or rather why are we conditioned to think this way?
Religious institutions all over the world preach that sex is a sin. They teach us to repress our natural energy and to feel guilty if we don’t – for no other reason than to be able to manipulate us. If you repress your sexual energy, you are easier to control, there is not much passion in you, not much life. And if you are feeling guilty for having sex, you seek salvation, you want to be saved – you go and ask them for forgiveness, you depend on them.
We cannot be free from sex, because it is the most natural thing there is, we are born from it, and at the same time we are told that it is bad. This creates a huge inner conflict and your whole life can get poisoned. By repressing sex, we create more hidden desires, and yet we are unable to express our sexuality harmoniously. Some people go crazy, some people develop physical ailments.
The truth is sex is dangerous!
It is the strongest creative force that we possess. It is the energy that gives life. Sexual energy is a powerful creative force. If we feel guilty, if we feel passionless, if we feel a bit lifeless, if we feel that something is wrong with us – then we don’t feel much power within us, we go with what we are given without any questions. We are unable to create our own life, rather, it is something that happens to us.
Now imagine, you accept yourself fully, your sexuality, your very own nature – what happens then? You start loving and appreciating yourself for who you are. You start following your heart and listening to your intuition because now you trust yourself. Suddenly the opinion of the society isn’t as important anymore. You feel you have discovered new horizons, you can choose what to do with your life. You can do what you love. You feel healthier and happier. You feel more free.
When you fully embrace your sexuality, it can transform your life! Through accepting your sexuality you are accepting yourself. You start loving yourself unconditionally, you feel great about yourself! Your vitality is flowering, your energy levels are increased and you start expressing yourself in new ways – poetry, art, creative writing, cooking amazing meals, designing your own clothes, singing, dancing, celebrating life!
So how to accept your sexuality?
Be very honest with yourself about how you feel about yourself and your sexuality. Ask yourself the following questions:
- Have I ever felt guilty after having sex?
- Do I feel that I had too many lovers?
- Do I feel bad about myself because of my sexual experiences?
- Do I blame myself for my experiences? Why?
- Do I feel ashamed? Why?
- What are my cultural/religious/traditional views on sexuality?
- How does my family and community I grew up in view sexuality?
- How often do I think about sex? Why?
- Do I feel satisfied after sex?
- Do I have any fears related to sex? What are they?
- Do I accept my sexuality?
Once you answered all of them, you have a clearer picture of your own beliefs. When you shed light on what causes your troubles, troubles tend to shrink! So go ahead and shed light on the darkest corners of your mind! You will then find it easier to let go of your false beliefs and accept yourself and your experiences. Be kind and loving towards yourself; everything we experience is here for us to learn, grow and become our true wonderful selves! Every experience is valuable.
Start by allowing your body to feel! Use all your senses. When you eat – feel the taste of your food, when you listen to music – let it fill you up, stop to smell flowers, touch with your full attention. Be present in your body and enjoy every experience, enjoy being able to feel.
It’s important for both men and women to connect, to be intimate and empathic. So cuddle, look into each others eyes, dance, listen to your favourite music, talk about topics that excite your spirit, meditate together – connect at every level before you make love. Be fully present. Then create a space that would allow both of you to relax more – soft lights, candles, music, essential oils. When you make love, think about each other – do not concentrate only on your pleasure but at the same time do not think only about your lover’s pleasure neglecting your own.
If you are a woman:
Sad statistics say that 1/3 of women have never had an orgasm. Why is this? For the reasons explained above! Every woman is capable of having an orgasm! You are capable, you are worthy, you deserve it!
- Relax! Don’t chase an orgasm, don’t think you can’t have it, just enjoy the moment, feel every touch, relax fully. There is nothing wrong with you, allow yourself to enjoy and play.
- Learn to control your sexual muscles. With time you will find yourself being more easily aroused and it will increase the intensity of the orgasms.
- Do your best to breathe slowly when making love. This will allow you to relax and feel more deeply.
- Build up sexual energy for multiple orgasms – tease yourself close to orgasm and calm down a bit, do it again and again.
If you are a man:
- Take time to touch your lover and play. Allow at least 20 minutes for foreplay.
- Increase the intensity of your pleasure by prolonged lovemaking – take breaks and slow down.
- Relax and don’t try to impress your lover – it’s not a performance! When you are relaxed you can connect to your lover more and give her more pleasure.
- Breathe slower for better control, deeper relaxation and intensity.
- Learn to control your sexual muscles.
Image credit: A. Andrew Gonzalez